I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The dick lei will go down in squad history
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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