My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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