life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize