you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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