At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
