you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
