Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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