i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
