im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
