I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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