Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
