No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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