I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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