I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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