note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
