Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
