what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize