I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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