so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize