Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
