Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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