I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
