The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
