my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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