I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
