thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
