You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
