why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
