if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My vagina is officially offended.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
