the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
