I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
