you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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