did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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