I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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