based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize