I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
