I think my fart just growled at me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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