I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
