let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
