Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
