Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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