well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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