I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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