I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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