Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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