We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
