You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
