shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
