I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
