Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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