Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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