rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
