I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
