After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
