sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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