I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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