Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
