he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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