Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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