best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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