I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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