you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
